Mood: 2 Yr Plan

It's okay to go away for a while

by Sukhi

I am coming out of the week straight from hell. Why did I go so low like that? Am I doing this to myself? I am calling out for help everywhere. I'm so embarrassed, this world is so ugly, I hate being here, I didn't choose to be here. It's all I say to myself, how am I supposed to change my outlook if philosophy tells me it's okay to ask these questions? I am upset I have to go through these ups and downs...I can see it's abnormal, I can see it's atypical. I didn't choose that either, and I have to live like this. Please give me a better life, I hear myself asking every night. Who am I talking to? When will I get it, this is all that's there, there is nothing else, no one comes to help you. You have to save yourself. I wish I was 20! I wish I was 10, I WOULD DO EVERYTHING DIFFERENTLY, I SWEAR. I ruined everything for myself. This is no one's fault but my own.

Please don't fuck me up right now

I have quit everything that I can so far. Taken time off, but I can't imagine there will be a time where I can actually handle anything, where I can be successful, consistent and stable. I'm scared for myself and for my relationship, that I won't be able to work, and I won't be able to make it work. What about for my livelihood? How will I make a living? Two months on, or more or less, two months off, or more or less. One second is a lifetime, the only person going through the worst time is me. I am SCARED.

Soul cleanse is changing, two year plan is changing. What I need is to get mentally healthy ASAP. It's so fucked up that I've DONE EVERYTHING I CAN and I am still suffering from BOUTS of this depression and mania, and hypomania, and manic depression. IT'S DISGUSTING, IT's TURNING ME OFF, I AM UPSET TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS, I WANT TO BE NORMAL, I WANT TO BE STABLE, I WANT A CHANCE TO LIVE

I WANT A CHANCE TO LIVE.