Mood: 2 Yr Plan

The Ick File

by Sukhi

2yrplan time.

Hi

I'm fine. I'm challenged. I am having beauty problems. Body problems. Problems of the most serious kind: time problems, thinking problems, problems with my thoughts. Texas is the furnace of the earth. I am anxious. My thoughts are moving too fast. I feel myself beat down on me, like the sun beating down on me here in this state.

This post is horrible, ugly, arranged by tags in an orderly fashion. I will touch on each tag with a category paragraph to stay focused and keep it light. But fast. But light. I'm moving too fast, I'm too......something, ...my head...

CALENDARING

Upon discovering timeblocking, my days became spoken for with abstract ideas. Ideas of what defines a right person to me, the right Sukhi. From morning rituals 6-8am, working out 9am-10 on some days, all the way to work activities, natural free times, designated desk time, night rituals. The protocol was developed last week. I began. I like it so far but I am not doing it or sticking to it. My challenge at this moment is beginning my day with those routines and ending my days on time as planned. There are other kinks in the system and I am not using the system to my advantage at this moment. My challenge is legion. Stronger, fitter, happier..

DAILY ROUTINE

Am I well? Why don't I feel well?

It is all the cream? The coffee? My choices? I am a slug and a sloth. It's that bad week.

I need to exercise more.

I need to follow my heart and body, this is what they speak to me. I am obligated to do my self-care and proper self-work, self-listening before careening into opportunities, hunting and deciding my prey. I wake up thinking about work and jump to my computer. A method of self-preservation is not in place to protect me from the feeling I have too much to do. My days are not approached with a calm, relaxed mind. I want to do it better. I am stressed by myself and what I'm doing to myself. After I finish this post, instead of writing to FYBR like I want to, or anything else, I better spend time on myself and sit in my body, and hear what I am saying to myself and listen closer to what my body is saying to me.

NEW NEWS

There is career related stuff. It is not going according to plan where I decided not to work. I am now putting my technical writing skills to use, operating for a research company reporting on the digital asset class known as cryptocurrency. Yesterday I started and it was quite hard, comes to only $5 an hour with the amount of time it takes me to write and locate and relocate information. Do I want to be a writer? Do I want to be a guy? Do I want to work in tech? Is my brain stretching out? Am I enjoying it? Do I like the challenge? Is it about money? This is why I wanted to write, why I started writing FYBR and nargis in the first place.

I might be hired by Google. This would be unexpected. I hope I do. I know I wouldn't last. I want to make myself proud once, even though that feeling goes away so fast. Not lasting, that feeling or I. That feeling and I, together. The feeling that goes away is the feeling I want most.

WRITING

Now I am a paid writer. I started doing this, all my blogs and all my documentation to achieve this. But suddenly I don't want it anymore. I am a technical writer working on these reports, but so new to blockchain, financial assests and cryptocurrency that it is a fruitless, meaningless, stupidless blur, a payless job. I am clunky. Inefficient. Nominally I love the achievement, the sense of achievement delivering one paragraph loaded with researched information about a specific asset..it's quite good, quite dense, satisfactory. But my process is unbearable. The toll it takes on me is unfriendly.

I want to write for myself, creatively and techincally. It doesn't matter, this distinction, but what I understand is this: I hate deadlines, hate doing stuff for others, hate my sections I am meant to write which are my responsibility. I fear I am no good. Fearful to reveal myself. Fearful I can't do it. Fearful I won't! Ready to give up. I would like to write my own novel but for four months or so, I did not.

WEATHER

Who cares, no one cares, it's super hot. But cooler than last week.

UGHHH

Self-improvement. I have to write an entire post on this. This is what I meant to write here today but every word is a syrup being poured from my head and I do not have the ability to work with the particular character and viscosity of this mental state and my mood!

GOALS

Meant to be something else entirely, some gentle reminders, here we go, in time order, as things change, we must all change:

Work out, sit in your body, hit the mat, do the stretch, die on your mat, slowly, go slow.
Listen in, listen to yourself, sing to yourself, pray.
The most beautiful part of your day, your day, quiet down, hear and feel your existence and your beauty.

Publish to FYBR with the excitement, the rates post, the minimalism, the paring back. You love to do this, you love going through what you're going through, you want to write what you're going through, you want to share.

Reflect on the application of nargis.

Finish the dreaded ChainLink report. Try not to cry about it, you chose this.

SCLUB training this evening, we play and train from 7-9. There is hardly 5 hours remaining before it's time to go, come back, greet the night again and sleep again.

Come back to moodboards, return to the 2yr, you had so much more, pressing stuff to write. So many drafts of this post to have been unsatisfied with, and now you're done. Come soon.