The reality of my body, this hurts
by Sukhi
I guess I am disabled because I'm bipolar and have a permanent injury on my arm extending back into my shoulder, beneath it, and down into my dominant hand, infecting me, keeping me STRESSED OUT all the time with painful aching numbness, total discomfort. In every posture and for eternity, I can't sit, lie down or stand. I have the worst energy, the lowest vibrations. Six years have passed but I wake up shocked, traumatized and depressed. I go to sleep wishing I could die. I have a blown out knee which takes everything else away from me, all my fun, happiness, swag and ability. What's left is my skin and my brain, my skin which is a bag, and my brain, another bag, disturbed and nervous and a little more slimy...brainy...I am completely disabled. It feels good to say, when everyone rejects me, everyone MY FAMILY. Everyone, people who want to push me when I need rest. Everyone, all the cunts and bitches, fake yogis. Look at me, filled with hate, look at me needing to get this out. I HATE YOU if you've mocked me for feeling what I feel, if you have told me "everyone's disabled," or if you doubted me and disbelieved me. If you fucked up my shit in school, if you Karen'ed me, if you white privelege'd FUCK YOU'd me, if you DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME WHEN I TOLD YOU I'M HURTING, ALL YOU FUCKING COPS YOU ASSHOLES! If I hated everyone who made my life harder, who didn't accept I was like this, that I am like this, YOU WOULD BE INCLUDED, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU TOO. There is no one left who I can love.
This is the truth
I feel so bad sometimes. When I'm in my body like this, I am so upset and mad. Why do I hold on to this anger? Why do I forgive?? Why do I listen to anyone? My brain is in a bottle but I can sort through my own fallacies...please go away, everyone. My true feelings are this: I need time, I need space, I need to get away, please let me go, please let me go. Someone help me get away from here.